I’m going to break out of my normal ranting state and talk about something actually important here.  Below is the text of a press release we’re spreading around about our recent jaunt to Capitol Hill, as well as pictures of us with Senator Herb Kohl (D-WI, owner of the Milwaukee Bucks and former president of Kohl’s Department Stores) as well as Senator Sherrod Brown (D-OH).

On October 1^st and 2^nd, 2009, three members of the MIT Graduate Student Council (GSC) traveled to Washington, D.C. to speak with U.S. senators’ and representatives’ offices about specific graduate student issues.  Before their visit, Alex Hamilton Chan, Alex Evans, and Kevin McComber prepared extensively on the topics of open access to federally-funded published research, raising the cap on H1-B visas for advanced-degree holders, and tax exemption of graduate student stipends.  The trip was part of the Legislative Action Days of the National Association of Graduate-Professional Students (NAGPS), of which the MIT GSC is a member.  NAGPS is a nationwide organization of graduate and professional student governments that aims to connect the governments and lobby for their concerns.

The three students met with the offices of eleven senators and congressmen who hold spots on committees relevant to the issues of interest.  With their data-backed knowledge of the issues and the support of both the MIT GSC and NAGPS, the three students found their arguments to be well-received.  To their pleasant surprise, a few offices expressed interest in pursuing possible legislation on the issue of graduate student stipend tax exemption.

Chan, Evans, and McComber are now working with MIT’s Washington, D.C. office to draft wording for a possible bill on graduate student stipend tax exemption, and they are continuing to spread awareness of the issues at MIT and to other schools in the Boston area.

A while ago, when gas was expensive, people started thinking that maybe it was a good idea if we didn’t kill the planet. Ok, they really only cared about not killing their wallets, but it got the ball rolling. This whole “energy initiative” thing started up at MIT, and one of Obama’s main goals when he took office was to pursue renewable energy sources.

Now, with MIT’s budget and many others across the globe taking a hit, and the fact that energy is not all renewable right now, it seems only logical to use energy wisely. Still, some people don’t seem to have caught on.

Over the past four years of working in Building 13 on the MIT campus, I’ve seen many people enter and exit the building through its doors on the north side. There are two doors that have to be pushed manually and two doors that open automatically when you press the button with the diagram of a handicapped person on it. Note that: a handicapped person. Without fail, every couple of days I witness some lazy blob of perfectly-mobile human push the handicapped button to open the doors for themselves. And, back in February when the thermometer was bottomed out and the winds blew harder than a Hanson concert, opening the door for any appreciable amount of time meant a large amount of air would exchange between the building and the outside. (The automated doors stay open for several seconds longer than the manual ones.)  So not only were you being lazy and wasting the energy it takes the machine to open the door, you were also dumping large volumes of cold air into the building. Nice job, dipScheiße.

The best example of sheer ignorance and stupidity was the time I went to leave the building and the doors were propped open with chairs. I didn’t see anyone carrying anything into the building; there was only a couple practicing some ballroom dancing in the lobby. I pulled the chairs from the doors and got the couple’s attention. They stopped dancing and I asked if they had propped the doors open. The male partner replied that yes, he had, because “the room was a bit warm” and they wanted to practice in comfort.

Ahem.

YOU’RE A MORON.

Have you noticed that this whole lobby full of thousands of cubic feet of climate-controlled air is being dumped so you and one other person can dance?  Seriously, it’s just two of you. Cooling a whole lobby. For dancing.

Trying to be calm, I asked the guy if they had thought about using a smaller room and a fan, or wearing clothes that were appropriate for extracting heat from their bodies, as they were just wearing street clothes. He said no, he hadn’t, but that it was MIT Facilities’ fault for keeping the heat so high. I almost lost it, but luckily his female partner had some sense and quickly intervened, saying they would keep the doors closed from then on. When I returned about half an hour later, they were still dancing, but the doors were indeed closed.

Good thing, because the next items used to prop them open would have been their heads.

I remember back in the day when answering machines (yeah, they were actual freakin’ machines!) were new and some people had never encountered one. Those of us privileged enough to own such a contraption had to leave outgoing messages with details about how to leave a message…you know, “Leave your name, your number, and a message and I’ll get back to you.” We often prefaced it by “I’m not here right now” just in case the caller was confused about why they were getting an automated answering system. “I’m too drunk to get to the phone!” That would have been better, and truer.

But now everybody has a cell phone, and if you have never encountered a voicemail system, you’re probably the same person who needs instructions on how to operate the airplane seat belt.  You should be neither calling people nor flying.  You should be hosting The O’Reilly Factor.

Yet people still leave outgoing messages like others have to be instructed on the exact procedure. So, instead of just going right to the part where you leave a message, we now have to sit through an outgoing message every time we go to voicemail. It’s not that bad if you rarely call people, but if you’re calling many people and getting only voicemail, it starts to add up. Not to mention that being told how to leave a voicemail each time I call someone gets to be more annoying than when you buy a pair of scissors but the plastic wrapping it’s in is so tough that you need a pair of scissors to open it. Ahem.

The outgoing messages that annoy me the most are the ones at businesses where they tell you the date and day of the week in the message. This means they make a new message every day. That’s a waste of everyone’s time. Why don’t you stop making messages and start being at your desk more? And they usually follow it with some enumeration of the possible reasons they’re not answering the phone: “I’m either away from my desk or on the other line. Or eating ice cream and my fingers are all sticky-icky!” Yeah, I know the possible reasons.

If you want to save everyone some time and not sound like you haven’t noticed that we all know how to leave a message, just do something simple. “This is Bob; please leave a message.” I promise I’ll know how to do it.

Update: Thanks to my friend Gary for sending me the link to this article which explains some of the mandatory and superbly-annoying automated outgoing messages. Let’s get these motherbeepers.

Here, the word “right” means both “correct” and “right-hand.” In the United States, we drive on the right-hand side of the road. This is so cars don’t have to swerve to avoid each other. So what makes you think you can just walk willy-nilly all over the freakin’ sidewalk then? I sometimes see one person walking on the right side and the person directly behind them is walking on the left side. And the sidewalk is only wide enough for two people. As Carlos Mencia would say, “Dee dee dee!”.

Other times I’ve been crossing the Harvard Bridge and someone is walking on the left side toward me and I’m on the right side. I usually end up being the one to move out of the way because they’re too oblivious to notice that they’re going to get run the hell over.

The location that yanks my chain the most is the Longfellow Bridge, which connects the eastern end of the MIT campus to Boston. The sidewalks on this bridge are so narrow they can barely fit two people across. Yet many pedestrians still believe it’s fine to walk shoulder-to-shoulder, never thinking, “Hey, someone might be running behind me and need to pass, so it’d be pretty annoying for them to have to tell me to get out of the way and then wait for my dumb ass to move.” They never think that. So all us fitness enthusiasts get bunched up behind these morons and end up having a workout of walks and runs across this bridge. Once there was a girl and her mother walking toward me as I was running across the bridge. They were shoulder-to-shoulder, but the girl saw me, so she moved out of the way. But she only made a half-hearted effort to move, so she still had about half a torso in my way. I decided it was a good day to assert myself and I just kept going on my trajectory without slowing down. Her half a torso met my shoulder and elbow, and I was about twice her size.

The phenomenon of dumb-walking also happens in malls. People walk on both sides of the halls and gawk at stores as they go. This has the added benefit of making people COMPLETELY unaware of their surroundings as they’re mesmerized by the new collection at Victoria’s Secret (”Oh my god, these bras will totally make me look hot, despite my face!”).

One more thing that’s kind of related to this is how pedestrians react to bicyclists. If you see a bicyclist on the street or on the sidewalk, or if you hear one behind you, do not jump or run to get out of the way. The bicyclist is planning on going around you, given that you keep going as you are currently going. I’ve almost nailed several people who think it’s smart to do a quick side-step when they hear me biking up behind them.

Here’s one I’m pretty sure every MIT student has had to endure at some point. It goes like this:

Non-MIT person: Hey, do you know how to deal with (random computer problem)?
MIT student: Uh, no…sorry.
Non-MIT person: What? You go to MIT, don’t you? And you can’t fix a COMPUTER?!?

The way I fix a computer is I buy a new one. The perception that MIT students are all computer geniuses is based on ignorance and stereotypes. True, a lot of people at MIT major in computer science, and a lot of technological work is done with computers, but just because everyone eats food doesn’t mean they all know how to cook.

And another one:

Non-MIT person: Do you know what the answer to (random question) is?
MIT student: Uh, no…sorry.
Non-MIT Person: Ha, MIT Boy here doesn’t even know how to solve it!

Ok, Tardtastic. Just because I did well enough in high school to get into MIT and somehow managed to fool my department into admitting me for MIT grad school does NOT mean I can solve every single problem ever conceived. I can barely even solve the problems in my own field of study. If I knew so much, do you think I’d be talking to you? No, I’d be thuggin’ with Stephen Hawking.

I think people from “prestigious” schools like MIT are automatically put at a disadvantage due to this amazing ability that everyone thinks they have. If people have few expectations of you, it’s easy to surprise and impress them. But if expectations are always high, disappointment is a single mistake away. It’s gotten to the point where I’m reluctant to tell people I go to MIT because I’m afraid of what they’ll automatically assume.

On the social front, though, the MIT reputation can work to our advantage. If you have the ability to converse with other humans and have a good time with minimal awkwardness, people will often say, “You don’t seem like you go to MIT!” Their expectations were so low that just being able to act somewhat normally impressed them. And it really makes you feel good, until a minute later when you’re talking to a hot girl and you knock over the punch bowl.

The more you press the elevator button, the more it hates you.  And that doesn’t make it arrive any more quickly.

In response to my good colleague Alex Chan’s post over in Hamilton Happy Hour, I’d like to make the case for the opposition and say that Venice is over-rated, over-priced, and over-tourist…ed.

I just went to Venice in mid-June for my honeymoon.  “Awww!”  Save it.  Care to pay $120 for a 40-minute gondola ride on which the gondolier is either checking his text messages or chatting with another nearby gondolier?  We didn’t.  How about St. Mark’s Square (Piazza San Marco if you want to sound like you actually know Italian), supposedly a great cathedral?  Have you ever been inside a large church?  Then you’ve been inside this place.

“Ah, but the cute little alleyways and plazas, and getting all romantically lost!”  You know how, when you’re really hungry and you go to IHOP, your first pancake tastes like it’s the best thing ever?  And then, by the time you’ve eaten your fifth pancake, you’re ready to puke?  I give the analogy.

“But the food is great!”  Again, you are 180 degrees out of phase with reality.  My wife and I paid about $80 for a meal that would pass as an appetizer at Legal Seafoods, but without the flavor.

“Well, how about the architecture?!?”  Yeah, I like the moldy abandoned-looking houses on the canals too.

In summary, while my (unsuspecting) opponent would like to further the common dogma regarding Venice, I offer caution to those who consider going, especially if you’re expecting a cornucopia of romantic bounty and not a dirty old city.

If you’ve read my previous post about Central Square, and you haven’t been there to witness it in person, you might wonder how an area that separates MIT and Harvard could be so…non-Ivy. Well, over the past few days, I’ve been thinking that maybe I was too hard on “the CS.” Maybe it was just having a bad hair day, and I was that guy who was there to point and laugh.

Nope. I went back to Central today for my research-is-sucking-and-I-need-a-Filet-O-Fish binge at McDonald’s. As I walked up there, my gaze settled on a group of kids outside the restaurant who seemed to be having a bit of a tussle. Soon enough, one girl took a swing at another one, and was met with return fist-fire. This went on for a few seconds until the two wrestled each other to the ground and started kicking, at which point a few guys pulled them apart and the police showed up. (What actually made it funny was that one of the two girls had just gotten a meal from McDonald’s and was carrying it when the other girl threw a punch, and the punch must have hit the food because there was suddenly a bunch of airborne soda, patties, and buns. And anyone who knows me knows how much I like airborne buns. But I digress.)

So yeah, I was right.

Dear sir,

I am writing in response to your email of July 6th, 2009 with the subject of “CH3AP V1AGRA 4 YOU.” Please know that your enthusiasm to improve my condition has not gone unappreciated, and my life is brightened by the fact that you have taken the time to consider my well-being with such selflessness.

However, I have already purchased several orders of Viagra (undoubtedly from less reputable sources than yours) and now have but $1.04 left to my name. I do have, instead, approximately forty-seven kilograms of Viagra pills, liquids, gels, and liquid-gels in the forms of capsules, lozenges, single-shot injections, suppositories, and tater tots.

To say that I have been attempting to deplete my supply would be an understatement. Indeed, my every waking minute has been used for the sole purpose of lessening my stockpile of this pharmaceutical. Unfortunately, the effects have been adverse. Within only the last four days, I have unintentionally impregnated thirteen women, two Canadian geese, and one deep fryer. My undergarments have been destroyed by a combination of soiling and physical shredding that is beyond repair. I sleep for only a few minutes at a time before I twitch and knock over a lamp that is halfway across the room. It is a living nightmare.

I have become a lightning rod, so to speak, of consternation. The police have barricaded my house from the droves of women who seek to enter. The media has hounded my every move, though most of my images must be blurred by the censors. I request no more from life than a simple existence, yet I am constantly tormented by the wayward whims of fate.

So please, sir, I ask you, nay, beseech you, to forego any further attempts to market your product to me. As much as I wish to employ your assistance, I will be needing none for the foreseeable future.

Sincerely yours,
Kevin

P.S. Your mother says hello.

As I write this, I’m sitting in a room that is supposed to contain more than just one person. I should be meeting with three other people, but somehow they’re all missing. After double- and triple-checking my emails and room reservation, I’m dead sure this is where we should be. Yet I’m solo.

I actually came to this meeting expecting only one other person to show up, even though three others said they could make it. Why? Because people have not seemed to master the art of WRITING STUFF DOWN AND REMEMBERING IT. I scheduled this meeting exactly one week ago (almost to the minute). Today, I considered sending out a reminder email, but figured I wouldn’t send one just so I could see what would happen. It turns out this is what happens.

“But, Kevin, it’s just one meeting!” Yes, but it’s the fourth time I’ve been stood up for a meeting just this week. Just this week! I’ve come to the conclusion that, if machinery worked like it should (rant to come) and people responded to emails promptly and people showed up to meetings, I could have obtained my Ph.D. in four years.

In case you find yourself sucking at life, here’s a tool to help: Google Calendar. It’s really easy – just follow these instructions:

1. Get Google Calendar and freaking use it

Please let me know if you have questions.

There’s got to be a way to make money off this. Oh yeah, it’s called credit cards. I wish I had invented the credit card. “Here, you can have some money from me, but you have to pay it back at the end of the month, and if you don’t, I’m gonna break your bank account over my knee and wipe my boots on your checkbook!” And they would say, “Sounds good!” And then they would forget to pay. And then I would take the aforementioned actions. And I would not tell them about Google Calendar.